I dag er det den 25. april 2020, og Corona-krisen gør sig stadig gældende.
Mange mennesker på verdensplan er mere eller mindre ufrivilligt blevet tvunget til at isolere sig i deres hjem. Det sker på grund af smittefaren
Trangen til igen at få lov til at kramme hinanden bliver ubønhørligt nævnt i medierne. Det piner mig på en eller anden måde, fordi jeg aldrig selv har lært at kramme.
Jeg har altid selv haft en trang til at blive krammet og føle at jeg er god nok, som jeg er.
I min barndom har jeg altid fået at vide, at det var en svaghed at vise følelser. Jeg kan ikke huske, at jeg nogensinde er blevet krammet af mine forældre. Tilsvarende har jeg heller aldrig fået at vide, at mine forældre elskede mig.
Til gengæld har jeg fået at vide et utal af gange, at jeg kun havde en eksistensberettigelse, hvis jeg gjorde mig nyttig.
Min indlevelsesevne, fantasi og trang til at bekymre mig om andre er aldrig blevet værdsat. Disse karakteregenskaber er derimod blevet nedgjort, fordi de var forbundet med følelser.
Min fars dødsleje:
I tankerne fører det mig tilbage til det tidspunkt, hvor min far lå på sit dødsleje. Her lå han i en sygeseng og ænsede ikke rigtigt omverdenen.
Jeg var på besøg ved ham sammen med min mor og vidste, at det formentlig ville blive det sidste besøg.
Som tidligere nævnt udsatte min far mig for seksuelle overgreb i min barndom. I det lys var det svært for mig at forholde mig til, hvordan jeg skulle reagere.
Min mor lagde imidlertid op til, at jeg skulle tage afsked med ham. Det bedste, som jeg kunne finde på, var at stryge ham over panden. Derefter gav jeg udtryk for, at han måtte have det godt.
Det var første gang i mit liv, at jeg rørte ved ham og gjorde det med nærhed og omsorg.
Jeg gjorde det med troen på, at han formentlig selv havde været udsat for misbrug i sin barndom. For ham var det naturligt at føre sine egne ”rødder” videre gennem os børn. Han vidste simpelthen ikke bedre.
Det næste der skete var, at min mor kastede sig ned over hans bryst og begyndte at græde uhæmmet.
Hun gav udtryk for, at hun var så ked af det, og så faldt de ord, som jeg aldrig har glemt siden.
Ordene var: ”Du er jo så god til at finde ud af alting”, og det var vel egentlig det eneste, som blev sagt i situationen.
Min mor kunne simpelthen ikke finde en bedre måde at udtrykke sin kærlighed til ham på.
Min egen barndom:
Her bliver jeg igen ført tilbage til min egen barndom i tankerne.
Jeg mindes en episode, hvor min mor gav udtryk, for at hun ikke følte sig værdsat.
Hun var rigtig ked af det, og det eneste, som jeg kunne finde på at sige, var: ”Du er jo så god til at lave mad”.
I dag er jeg heldigvis blevet klogere. Jeg kan sagtens værdsætte et menneske på grund af dets karakteregenskaber og give udtryk for det.
For mig er et menneskes karakteregenskaber faktisk vigtigere end, hvad vedkommende tjener og præsterer. Vedkommendes status interesserer mig heller ikke.
Til gengæld er jeg helt ude af stand til at kramme.
Så til alle jer derude. Glæd jer til igen at kunne kramme hinanden og kunne gøre det med hjertet. Corona-krisen kan jo trods alt ikke vare ved.
Jeg må bare selv arbejde videre med at finde ud af, hvordan man i det hele taget gør det.
Humor hjælper dig igennem livet.
Livet kan anskues fra mange forskellige synsvinkler.
Sandheden forløser på længere sigt.
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